The British Cup of Tea

I grew up thinking tea was just a hot drink.

Lipton, to be precise. With evaporated milk - or condensed milk if somebody was feeling particularly reckless. 😭

Then I moved to Britain and discovered that tea is not just a drink.

Tea is many things.

For starters, tea is apparently an entire meal!

Many years ago, someone once asked me what I’d had for tea the night before. I was confused. “I didn’t have any tea.” 🤷🏽‍♀️ She looked confused. I looked more confused.

Eventually, I realised she was asking me what I’d had for dinner.

Ah. I felt a bit stupid, but I filed the information away and carried on with my life.

Until another day, around lunchtime, someone casually asked me what we were having for tea.

Now I was annoyed. Because tell me why this is happening again. Tea is a drink. Why are you asking me at noon what beverage I’ll be having several hours from now?

I genuinely thought she was winding me up. 😭 So I made her explain the whole thing properly.

It was a full Tea 101 for Dummies.

Come to find out, depending on where you are in Britain, “tea” can mean the evening meal. Dinner. Supper. Actual food. Sigh.

But that wasn’t the end of my British tea education. Because tea is also an emergency response toolkit.

Mark my words… a British cup of tea can neutralise almost any situation.

Bad news? Put the kettle on. Good news? Kettle. Visitor arrives? Kettle. Break-up? Kettle. Plumber arrives? “Tea or coffee?” Freezing cold? Tea. Boiling hot? Somehow… still tea. Just finished eating? “Anyone fancy a cuppa?”

At some point I realised offering tea isn’t necessarily about whether anybody is thirsty. It’s practically an act of service.

The problem comes when I’m expected to make everybody’s tea.

One sugar. No sugar. Tiny splash of milk. Loads of milk. Strong. Weak. Don’t leave the bag in too long.

My mother has hers with TWO tea bags. 😭

By the time I’ve taken everyone’s order, I need a project plan.

And don’t even get me started on the rules for making a “proper” cuppa.

Milk first or water first? How long should the bag stay in? Dunk it or leave it alone? Squeeze the bag against the mug or absolutely NEVER do such a barbaric thing?

Full-fat milk? Semi-skimmed? Oat? Decaf?

And that’s before we’ve even entered the dangerous territory of loose-leaf, green, fruit and herbal teas.

Almost twenty years in Britain and I’m still learning.

But one thing I’ll say: I love tea. All sorts. Especially the healthier and more unusual ones.

But the tea I’m serving over here? Different blend entirely.

Stories. Memories. A bit of banter. The occasional wahala and the odd absolute shambles I get up to.

Mbōk tea. ☕️😉 So mbók… stick the kettle on, it’s Friday again! 💃🏾